Tom Cruise presented Steven Spielberg with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 42nd Annual Chicago International Film Festival on Saturday. And because he”s Tom Cruise he had to give Spielberg an awkward crotch hug instead of the socially acceptable chest hug. Does that make him gay? Of course not. The homosexual intercourse he has with men does. But not the hug. The hug just proves he enjoys touching his balls to another man”s balls. And why wouldn”t he? He”s Tom Cruise. And I don”t want to live in a world where Tom Cruise doens”t love the feel of balls.

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Avril Lavigne reportedly married Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 Saturday afternoon at a private estate in Montecito, California. Lavigne was walked down the aisle by her father wearing a Vera Wang gown and carrying white roses, and the couple”s first dance was to “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Because apparently they”ve confused their wedding with their high school prom. Could”ve been a lot worse though. They could”ve replaced the music with some angry poo-throwing monkeys. Or worse yet, it could”ve been anything by Nickelback.

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If there is one thing Tara Reid is good for, it’s her in a bikini enjoying a drink. Unfortunately, this is not the same Tara Reid that we knew a year ago. This Tara Reid is packaged differently. And no, I’m not talking about her big fake breasts. I’m talking about her ass, which seems to have taken a toll from all that partying she’s been doing… among other things.

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A date with Jessica Biel will be up for bid next week to help raise money for a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident.
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I’d love to go on a date with Jessica Biel but unfortunately I don’t think I’d have a chance winning this auction, unless the maximum bid is 30 dollars. Anyway, I think it’s great that she’s lending her hotness to raise money for this girl. However, it’s not fair to poor guys like myself who don’t have a shot. Now if only Jessica knew the hours of pleasure we could have together… walking her dogs, working out, more dog walking, more working out, ME ROCKIN’ HER WORLD, then maybe she’d give me a chance.

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This was Stacy Keibler’s final straw. Here she’s at the Skinny Dip Swimwear launch posing next to average looking bikini models and NOT wearing a bikini. I have a feeling Stacy doesn’t read Hollywood Tuna. Yes, I know this may come as a shock to some of you, including myself, considering I’m the only person who writes and cares about her. Well, no longer. I can’t continue trying to help Stacy become the biggest star in the world. I’m tired. You know how hard it is to write about a girl with an awesome body who keeps covering herself with clothes? It’s like masturbating four times in a row. What’s the point?

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There’s something about a girl in jeans that turns me on more than anything else. Forget about tight dresses and little booty shorts, nothing beats a pair of tight ass jeans. So when you put supermodel Heidi Klum in a pair and throw on a leather vest, it’s so hot it’s practically illegal. BTW, note to Lindsay and Brittany: This is how you’re supposed to wink.

Lindsay Lohan Attempts To Wink
Brittany Murphy Attempts To Wink

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More Jolene Blalock Pics
Past Picture Moments

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Not that any of you care about Mischa Barton but when her nipple is peaking out of her dress, it’s worth talking about. Actually, any girls nipple is worth talking about if it’s out of their dress. Unless, it’s Rosie O’Donnell. Wait, what am I saying? That nipple slip would be huge!

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Eminem has been accused of beating up a man in a strip club bathroom and police are “very interested” in speaking with him. The fight allegedly broke out yesterday morning at Cheetah strip club when Eminem supposedly punched a man four or five times in the face after another fan tried talking to him while he was peeing.

The victim told WXYZ that he was using a urinal next to Eminem when another man entered the bathroom and struck up a conversation with the rapper. At that point, Miad J. said that one of Em”s bodyguards warned the man to keep quiet. Miad J. said he told the bodyguard to relax, and when “Eminem got done … he started swinging,” he told WXYZ. “I wasn”t even expecting it. I was just minding my own business.”

To be fair to Eminem, I punch people all the time when they try talking to me while I pee. Heck, I punch them just for making eye contact if I”m walking through a room. I figure being able to bench press a car has earned me that right.

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